Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i believe in u and ur pee
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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