You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
barbara walters just said penis...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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