its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
