Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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