I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
