I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
