Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
