My liver just broke up with me...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
