Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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