just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize