so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
