dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
