yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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