I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
