my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
