Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
