Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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