But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
