no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
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Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
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Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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