I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
