I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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