my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize