oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
