I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
