your thong is hanging out like whoa
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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