just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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