i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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