I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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