Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i would punch a child for taco bell
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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