Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
3 2 1 whiskey
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
