i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
