maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
