I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
