I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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