I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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