I don't think brook has ever known best
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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