i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
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we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
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One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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