Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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