She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
