I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
