mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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