He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
