So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
