i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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