I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
