he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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