it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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