It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
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there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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