I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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