what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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