I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
