Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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