I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
