Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
