I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
